First time in 3 years.

Today is the first time in 3 years that I did not see her for an entire week or 7 days. Oh well, there is always a first time for everything right?

Why do I still think about stuffs like this? Have I not gotten over it? Sigh... Guess it's not as easy as I thought. Feels so pathetic...

All you ever want to say to an ex you really love

It's probably too small to read, so I typed it all out below.

http://favmy.com/2013/09/28/photos/1380383288/

"Hey, I know we haven't seen each other or even talked, in a long time... 
But I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I want you to know that I miss you. 
Not like "I regret what happened" or even "I want to see you again." 
Just... "I miss you." Full stop.
It's strange to think that someone I used to know so well is now a total stranger... 
That I sometimes go entire days without thinking of you even a little. 
Most of the time, I let myself forget, because it's easier. But then I find something... 
An old letter, or a picture you drew, slipped in the pages of a book I haven't read in years... 
And the full weight of what's been lost comes crashing down on me. 
But this isn't regret. We had reasons for ending it, and they're as valid as ever... 
But back at the start, we didn't need reasons for anything. It all just happened. 
We didn't have common interests, or similar goals... We didn't even really get along that well. 
But we didn't need a reason to fall in love. We just did. 
The reasons came at the end, and everything that's happened since has been all about reasons. 
And that's good. It means one day I might find someone I won't have to say goodbye to. 
But a part of me misses just loving someone, and knowing they love you back, and that's all. 
I guess what I'm saying is, I hope things are good with you. I hope everything is great. 
I hope you found a love that's all the things ours couldn't be. And I hope I find that too. 
But a small part of me hopes that you still remember what it was like before all the reasons..."

This brought a lump to my throat. Haven't felt that for a while... Guess things can never be the same. It's a strange feeling, like I've moved on, but still miss her. Or does that means I have not?

Still wondering

Guess nothing matters anymore. Sorry for all the nonsense. Just be happy (:

Every night since 6 weeks ago, I lay on my bed thinking about random, nonsensical things. But all of these things are of course, branched out from the same root.

I can't stop thinking about what does it means by "unable to communicate" with each other. What does couples of almost 3 years talk about other than current events like church scandals, things the government said, things that happened to our friends, what they did or said?

What exactly is heart-to-heart talk? I mean we spent much of our time together... We share the same group of friends, university or usual hangout clique... Who do I talk about if not them? She wanted me to talk about my 心事 and I said I have none. Guess I should have said that my biggest 心事 is the fear of you leaving me for someone else. Hahahaha!

Hobbies? Yes, maybe I should have took up photography, baking and Muay-Thai, then things might not have ended this way. She said that I always talked about stocks and investments. I mean that's something I do and I was merely sharing it. Isn't that communication?

And what hurt & set me pondering the most is when she told me that the way I treated her is no different from how I treat my female friends, who are also her friends. What the fuck is this? Did I care if they were tired after work or physical activities and went to pick & send them home? Did I worry about if they have gastric? Did I ever gave any fuck if they had lunch & bought lunch for them? She was the only person in the whole fucking world I ever said "I love you" to and she told me the way I treated & spoke to her is no different from other female friends?

Guess it's all excuses, lousy excuses. But it's okay because I know that the only reason is that my time is up. Who doesn't like new excitement to spice up their mundane life. Or maybe she's right, I can't communicate with people. I'm a fucked up uncaring introvert who keeps everything to myself. I really wonder if being with me is such a torture & caused her so much unhappiness. Hahaha! Oh well... Shall end by wishing her happiness. Peace.

Guess we had a rather unhealthy relationship

"Wanting to spend time with your partner is wonderful. If you didn't want to spend time with them, there would be a problem with your relationship. But, a relationship isn't exciting when you don't have new things to share with your partner. When you spend time apart, you are able to come home and tell your partner about your day. But, when you spend every moment together, you have nothing new to share with each other. You may also notice that the joy of spending every moment with each will begin to wear thin. This is because each partner will enjoy different things. Yes, you will have common interests, or you wouldn't be together. But, women may want to watch chick flicks, while men want to restore and old car. The time you spend apart will be rewarding. But, if you don't spend time apart, you could ruin what you have. To put things simply, you have to be able to have fun on your own before you can begin to enjoy having fun with someone else. Depending on someone else for your happiness is not healthy.

Okay, now that I've explained some of the downsides of spending too much time together, let's move on to what you can gain from spending time apart. First of all, spending time apart allows you to never take your partner for granted. When you spend time apart, you have time to actually miss your partner. Even if you just work at different jobs, it will be rewarding for your relationship. When you get home at the end of the day, you will have so much to share with each other. There is an old saying, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." When you spend time apart, you ache for your partner. You long for the next moment that you'll be together. This is something that can only be achieved through spending time apart." 
- Amy Brantley

Going to school, attending lessons together, hang out with same group of friends, seeing each other at least 5 days a week, doing every shit together... No wonder... Feels kind of pity & unfair, but... Oh well... Wish I can turn back the hands of time... Haha... Guess her next one might just turn out pretty well  (,:

The right wrong person

“We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way.

But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

–Galway Kinnell

I'll learn

Don't know why, but I feel horrible today. 
She is all I think about the entire day. Can't seems to get her out of my mind. I can't stay at home. Because my mind wanders to where my heart is when I'm home. But I have nowhere to go. I don't want to go out alone. And I don't want to trouble people.
My right temporal hurts like mad when I exert strength. Can't even work out properly. Is this yet another test from God?

Best song to relate my feelings:

我想你已表現的非常明白
我懂我也知道　你沒有捨不得

你說你也會難過我不相信
牽著你陪著我　也只是曾經
希望他是真的比我還要愛你
我才會逼自己離開

你要我說多難堪　我根本不想分開
為什麼還要我用微笑來帶過
我沒有這種天份　包容你也接受他
不用擔心的太多　我會一直好好過
你已經遠遠離開　我也會慢慢走開
為什麼我連分開都遷就著你
我真的沒有天份　安靜的沒這麼快
我會學著放棄你　是因為我太愛你

A month & a day.

It's finally September. Somehow every love songs' telling my story, singing my feelings. August was like a dream. Or rather a nightmare. Even now, I seems to be living in a nightmare, cause my dreams feel so real, so sweet, so blissful, like how it could have been... Maybe I should sleep forever. Just kidding ( :

当你走到累了，我就是你的歇脚亭，让你休息，让你依靠。

当风雨挂得太大，我就是你的避风港，陪你度过一切风风雨雨。

当你偶尔想起我，就问我过得好不好，这样，就足以我开心一整天了。

( :

"這首歌令我哭了. 因為我知道, 雨下過以後並不會改變任何情形. 我們還是老樣子, 學習過著自己的新生活. 有了新歡, 誰又會記住舊愛?"

My every morning for a month now

I'm still not used to not greeting her "Good morning" everyday when I wake up. I'm still not used to not receiving her "Good morning" when she wakes up. And what is killing me every morning is that I know she is sending it to someone else.

Went to karaoke last night, the first time without her since 2010. Miss her voice, miss her singing. She will always be the best singer to me. I still sucks though, probably need more practice...

Headed to Lavender Food Square with Kenneth & Zhao Yi for supper after that. The first time without her as well... All the memories there... Those times when we went there for the prawn noodle and wanton mee. Still fresh in my mind. And that time when Kenneth needed someone for his ball at York Hotel, we went there to borrow costumes, pretty fun wasn't it? Haha...  And that heavy rain when they went to return the costumes... Can't remember why I didn't go with them though... It also reminded me of that time when we had this job about creating subtitle for movies. Went there twice, once to collect the job, another the pay...

We also drove pass the place I went to buy my micro-economic textbook from this dude, St Michael's Place wasn't it? Really sorry about all those times I lost my cool when we got lost on the road... I'll change... And we passed the place we went for her sister's and mum's birthday just last year... Wonder if I'll ever see them again... Remember just few weeks back, I told her I might be working on their birthday this year, and she jokingly told me that it's ok, she can be my "tai-tai", I work she spend, hahaha... In the end the work was cancelled, and I never did get to attend their birthday too... I miss you baby...  ),:  I miss you...

She loved this place before it was renovated. Look, it's so new now, lost all the traditional heritage feeling. Somehow reminds me of her love for me... A matter of the past.

I know, when a couple breaks up, it's good to find someone else, replace the memories and take away the pain. But I'm a sentimental person and I don't know how long it's going to take before I can move on. I can't stop clinging on to all these precious memories. All these precious memories of us... Please grant me amnesia...

Bon voyage.

Is this love? Or Insanity?

When I see her behaving like nothing happened, like she totally moved on and continue with her life, I feel jealous, angry and upset.
But when I see her upset, angry or unwell, it hurts me more than anything. I feel like I need to do something to make her feel alright again...

How contradicting... I'm hurt when she is fine, I'm more hurt when she isn't. Haha... What nonsense is this... Am I going insane?

Sorry / Pity / Courage

I'm sorry for everything I said today. Arghhhh! It's so hard to concentrate! Seems like I'm a goner for the test this coming Wednesday. But I say, "hakuna matata"! Hahaha...

I find it pitiful that we won't be stepping into the next phrase of life, into the real world, as working adults together. A real pity... Probably just to me, haha... If only I had the chance. Sigh. Guess it doesn't matter anymore. Nevertheless, thank you for accompanying me through half of my NS and 4/5 of university life. Can't imagine how things would have turned out without you (:

Don't know why, but I'm feeling exceptionally emotional today, haha... Been 3 weeks, & I'm still not ready... But I'll be brave, because I'm on my own from now on.

Verge of Insanity

It hurts. And it hurts like crazy. Because here I am trying to move on, and there she is, creating new memories with someone else. It's driving me insane.

I tried doing things to keep myself occupied. I went out to read, to study, but after every two or three sentences, she'd "appear" and break my focus, then my mind would drift away into the past, to every thing we ever shared... The places we'd been to, the things we did... All over again...

I know... It's probably because this is my first relationship, that's why it's so hard... I know... I must be stupid to think that I'd marry my first girlfriend and live our lives together till the end... Haha, what a joke. But guess what? I believed in this joke. Maybe that's why I fell so hard...

I know... I'll get over soon...But I'm scared... I'm afraid that I can't focus on things that have to be done... & I know that no-one else but me can help myself get through this...

& I miss her.
I miss you.

Hey! Is he singing about me? Haha!

我知道故事不会太曲折　我总会遇见一个什么人
陪我过没有了她的人生　成家立业之类的等等

她做了她觉得对的选择　我只好祝福她真的对了
爱不到我最想要爱的人　谁还能要我怎样呢

我爱的人　不是我的爱人
她心里每一寸　都属于另一个人
她真幸福　幸福得真残忍
让我又爱又恨　她的爱怎么那么深

我爱的人　她已有了爱人
从他们的眼神　说明了我不可能
每当听见　她或他说"我们"
就像听见爱情　永恒的嘲笑声

每当听见　她或他说"我们"
就像听见爱情　永恒的嘲笑声

2 weeks & I moved an inch

It'd been 2 weeks. I woke up this morning and thoughts of whatever happened in the last 2 weeks flashed through my mind. I really need to get used to this loneliness. I roamed around North-Point yesterday by myself, and there seems to be so much memories of us in every corner of the mall; the very first time we went to Starbucks, sitting at the tall table doing Macroeconomics, Home Fix - the place where she bought 3M hangers,  Harvey Norman - where she'd print all her photos, Xin Wang - pissed us off one time when their service was so slow, haha... And I could go on forever... Wish I'd suffer from amnesia.

Every night when I'm laying on my bed, mixed emotions start settling in. At first, I'd reminisce the past, our happy and sad moments together, everything we'd been through. I'd feel happy and warm in the heart, but when reality kicks in, sadness come visiting. I started asking myself why, how, what, hundreds, thousands of questions... Then rage and anger will slowly consume me. Why am I alone while... ... Why did the both of us have to go through all these pain while someone else just enjoys the harvest? All these questions, no one can answer me. I try not to think about them, but I can't. And I know there are no solutions to what I'm going through. Only time. And of course maybe amnesia. Hahaha...

And finally, I'd calm myself down by reminding me that she deserves the happiness that I couldn't provide her with. And nothing else matter as long as she is happy...

Forgive me for the rants & complains. Its all that I have in me for now.

A smile is just a smile without you

I thought I was alright, had accepted the break & was ready to move on. I was utterly wrong. Memories of our Taipei trip struck me all of sudden. I closed my eyes and recounted the entire trip. No words can describe how much I regretted giving you attitude at 淡水. I'm sorry. And when my conscious returned to the present, I felt a lump in my throat.

The funny thing was that despite feeling such sorrow, such sadness, I couldn't help it but went on to look at the remaining photos of us in my laptop. All our vacations... Valentines' Days... All the wacky expressions... The smiles... Your beautiful smile. 

All these memories felt so fresh, like they just happened no more than 1 month ago... Maybe deleting them would be a wise decision, but I couldn't do it... Because deleting them would also mean losing more of myself. Because you make me feel complete.

I wish you would come back to me & that all these was just a dream... I miss you. I believe I am strong because I can, & will take anything that comes at me. But I'm only human... And tonight I wanna cry...

This song says it all

Been a week. Thought I'd be much much better today, but I was wrong. I merely accepted the fact that we ended, no longer in a relationship. But the truth is I'm still not over you. So many things I want to say to you but I figured there isn't room in you for my nonsense no more. I guess that's the difference between being friends & being together.

Rihanna - P.S. I'm still not over you

What's up? I know we haven't spoken for a while
But I was thinking 'bout you and it kinda made me smile
So many things to say and I'll put 'em in a letter
Thought it might be easier the words might come out better
How's your mother, how's your little brother?
Does he still look just like you?
So many things I wanna know the answers to
Wish I could press rewind and rewrite every line
To the story of me and you

Excuse me, I really didn't mean to ramble on
But there's a lot of feelings that remain since you've been gone
I guess you thought that I would've put it all behind me
But it seems there's always something right there to remind me
Like a silly joke or something on the TV, boy, it ain't easy
When I hear our song I get that same old feeling
Wish I could press rewind, turn back the hands of time
And I shouldn't be telling you

Did you know I kept all of your pictures
Don't have the strength to part with them yet, oh no
Tried to erase the way your kisses taste
But some things a girl can never forget
Don't you know I've tried and I've tried to get you out my mind
But it don't get no better as each day goes by
And I'm lost and confused, I've got nothin' to lose
Hope to hear from you soon
P.S. I'm still not over you

Closure

Let's hope this brings everything to an end. It's probably true that both of us were wrong, somewhere or another. Oh well, I guess this ending is the best out of the 3:

1. we get back together
2. we don't talk or look at each other anymore, hostile!
3. we simply become and remain friends

Number 1 is out of the question cause you wouldn't be happy, although I would. Ahahaha! Number 2 is worst, both of us will suffer longer and number 3, although may not be the ideal one for me, but undeniably is still the best out of 3.

I still think back about our past and get teary eyes, and I will treasure these memories. I still feel a little jealous, angry and upset when I think about the fact that the next guy(or should we call him lucky bastard? :D) who will be holding you in his arms isn't going to be me. Guess I had my chance and didn't cherish it.

I'm sorry for disappointing you with my action but then again if I never did, I would probably never know the truth and this "best" conclusion would probably never happen. Hope I can regain your trust in me and hope you'll never forget me, the moments and memories that we shared - cause I never will. All those silly photos of you with wacky expressions will always be my happy pills.

"Love is feeling glad while watching her smile and laugh, even when I'm not the reason."

P.S: Damn, I kind of regretted giving you those "advice". Somebody is definitely going to benefit from it. Shit! Pui! :D Hahaha!

D Day -22: Agony. Rant.

A part of me keeps lingering on the memories we shared, another constantly reminding about the future we'll never have. Then there is this portion at the back of my heart wondering, what did the past 3 years meant to you? For you to have changed so swiftly, am I nothing but just a companion all these while? I'm sorry to have this thought, I know it is not true, that you loved me with all your heart. I know we were really in love, I wish we still are, or can be...

I know it is my fault for neglecting you, for taking you for granted. For not putting in enough effort to build our future. I hurt you umpteen times... I'm sorry. It'd only been 6 days since you left me, but I know your heart had left me much earlier.

I'm trying to contain this hate that is growing day by day... Thinking about you, moving on so fast... Faster than before we actually ended. It hurts. And I know writing down all these aren't going to change a thing. In fact, based on my understanding of you, it'll probably make you feel disgusted, increasing the disappointment and hatred you feel towards me... & I know someone will be there to tell you not to give a damn. But this is the only way I can vent whatever I have inside me.

I know I have great friends and family that I can rely on and confine to. But everyone just keeps telling me the same thing over and over again, to move on, to divert my mind on other things and become better, stronger. I'm not complaining & I really appreciate all the help, but... I do not know... I'm lost, confused and broken...

The truth is... A huge part of me still wish that you'd come back to me... That we can be together... Despite everything that had happened.

D Day -23: Mixed emotions

How is it possible? We just went JB for herbal chicken, played badminton and wave-board under the starry sky. We enjoyed ourselves didn't we? Can almost still feel that moment, your hands in mine, while I guided you across the open space, disregarding the sight of others... 

Why did we still went to eat fish soup with your family if these is no more love? Why did we still went swimming? Why did we still went to play around at the park on the eve of my darkest day?
Was the love we shared really so fragile?

What a crazy month July was... Guess I only have myself to blame for the distance between us... I created it... ... ... For another to enter. I am really broken. I can neither believe nor accept how fast everything escalated.

The most hurtful part is how you have changed inside, but remained the woman I love outside. I still love you nevertheless... I still do...

D Day -25: Destroyed

I feel terrible. Every time I fell asleep, she'd appear in my dreams as my girlfriend and I'll jump up awake in joy, only to realize it was all a dream.

Thought I'd be better today after sorting out my feelings last night. But I didn't. Everything I see links back to her, she has been such a huge part of my life. Its so bad that I'd cry just by looking at the lecture notes we went to print together just last Thursday. The berms she made me walk back and had it changed in Bangkok because of wrong sizing, some tickets of places we went...

I wanted to keep myself occupied to take my mind of her, but I can't.
I wanted to find someone to share this sorrow with, but there isn't anyone. I mean there is, but whats the point? So that I would feel better? I tried and it doesn't work. I guess blogging here is one way for relief...

So many things I wanted to do with her:
Go Tioman; paint-ball; make Crème brûlée; step into society together; celebrate when each other got a job; celebrate our birthdays; our family members' birthdays; learn diving; travel the world...

I know, I'll get better over time. But it's just so hard. My chest feels so tight, that constant lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.
I'm really sorry for taking her for granted all these while, only to realize how important she is after losing her. I really need a miracle now.

D Day -26: For my love

2 years 7 months, can be a long time to some & short to others. I don't even remember how we ended up together (of course I do). But gosh, it sure was the most beautiful period of my life, "so-far" that is :D I mean nobody knows what the future holds for us.

I learned a lot in this 2 years 7 months. Unfortunately, the most important lesson came only during the last few days, which was too late. I'll definitely miss all the moments, big or small, far away or stone throw near. All the "first-times" we shared. Of course, sweet memories often come with painful ones, and I will always remember all by heart.

Ahhh... I'm already starting to miss that room, the bed, those mirrors for self-admiration and the photographs on the wall. Not forgetting the perfect couch for sleeping, lazing or watching TV with you (alright, let's keep it at that, I'm close to tears already).

Well, I try not to think about the past now, although I secretly hope that I can turn back the hands of time. Regrets, regrets and regrets, my blog is filled with regrets.

This love is one that I can never forget. JKL(151210) will always be around, either as lovers or friends.