The Fallen One

I realised that I really like to work. It keeps me numb, keeps me occupied. When I'm not at work, I think about life. I think about the future & what awaits me. Is it loneliness? Or will I even make it there? I think about what should I do during my off days, about if I'm ever going to have my own kids. What kind of a person would my wife be, if I actually managed to marry one that is... And I'll constantly be looking for reasons and excuses to keep myself in the comfort zone.

But when I'm at work, all I think about is getting shit done. Making no errors, staying meticulous. I think about the money I'm going to make, about how I'm going to make more money with the money I just made. And followed by how I'm going to spend all these money, which I probably never will because all I do is work and reinvest. Oh well, I don't even make that much in the first place...

Have you ever read a quote saying, "some people are so poor, all they have is money"? Haha, I was thinking that it's probably because these people aren't making good use of their money. And then I think about those who are real poor, who don't even have money. Just absolutely nothing.

The truth is... I fully understand the quote. Which is exactly why I know that I can never truly be happy. Because all I feel is nothingness. I don't feel anything... Just nonchalant about life. Just living.

Why? Maybe it's because I've given up. I've stopped trying. I can neither find an explaination to this feeling nor a reason to not feel this way.

Welcome to 2014! & more fragments of the past

Happy New Year everybody! How can I miss out the chance to write about something on this "epic" day of the year? The day of a new beginning, the 1st of January. Maybe not so on "the day of a new beginning" because I believe that any day can be the beginning of something new as long as you are ready to set aside the past, live the present & embrace the future.

However, & unfortunately, it became a rather emotional 1st of January for me when I decided to sort out my university notes. Those notes reminded me of the times when we'd go to school early just to get them printed. Some of them were printed by her at home for me. Every pieces of those paper reminded me of little moments we had. The statistic notes brought back memories from when we'd sit together and practice our ass out, questions after questions, pages after pages. This particular one, part of our Marketing Communication project, a story board drawn by her, actually brought a lump to my throat. Felt like it was just last week when we were juggling with all these projects together, camping in corners of the school or at friends' house... & when I was flipping through the stacks to see what module they belong to, I saw that familiar, yet now distant hand writing on some of these papers... Those words that she once wrote for my sake. It burns.

Sigh. Almost set my entire wooden study desk on fire. Burn everything once & for all... Oh well, I guess I'll have to deal with these sooner or later, might as well be today. I'm keeping those nicely bound notes though. For whatever reasons... What I truly find amusing is that I don't even feel this much from the gifts, yet of all stuffs, school / lecture notes... Gosh, I seriously question my sanity sometimes. 

Playing with fire

It's 2am & I don't feel sleepy at all... My mind is filled with stuffs that shouldn't be there.

Don't you wish that we can speak our mind and offend no one, do whatever you like and not be judged, or simply love whoever we want to love & not think about the consequences, outcome or who is going to get hurt, by who? We'd all like to say yes, but probably never find the courage to. Due to society or circumstances.

In the end... We're just living. Just living...

Moving forward but still miss the past a little

10 days to Strategic Marketing and 16 to Business to Business Marketing papers. I am so not ready. Hope I'll be by then. Can't believe I missed out on some of the reading materials, will be going back to school and have them printed tomorrow.

Was digging through my drawer just now and found this Neoprint.

Hahaha... Brings back memories don't it? Remember this was taken during a Chinese New Year shopping trip at *SCAPE. Seems like what I posted few days back was true.

"Most of the time, I let myself forget, because it's easier. But then I find something... ... And the full weight of what's been lost comes crashing down on me."

Well, I'm sure I have moved on because this feeling is very different from what I felt few weeks back. Like when I see people post stuffs on FB about Taipei or some places we had been to, I do think about the moments when we were there. But I don't feel sad. I just... Kind of miss those moments, and at the same time glad that they happened. It's like a bitter sweet emotion I guess...

To be honest, I'm kind of afraid... Afraid that I'd go back to those days before I met her. Those empty days... Just living... Haha, guess it's good that I know of this 'fear' right? Then at least I can do something about it (:

Current priorities: Clear the examination! Get a job with decent prospect! Make it to and back from Boracay!

What am I?

What am I? A monkey? A mono-toned shorty? Probably failure-as-man suits me best. How can I let someone know that I love them, that I think of them or miss them? Should I constantly remind them via sms, verbal speech, e-mail, twitter or Facebook? I know, I know, actions speak louder than words. Maybe I haven't done enough, or maybe the things I've done are expected of me, aren't anything meaningful.

As the change in season approaches, the excitement of heading overseas follows. Want to head to a beach resort so badly... Chill out by the beach, swim in the sea with the fishes... Can't wait.
Cities are good too, like Bangkok, Taiwan, Hong Kong, etc. Of course that is if I am financially capable. Eat all the local delicacies, watch my girl shop her heart out... Well, at least there is something to look forward to in 2011...

Tomorrow seems like a day filled with challenges... Hope everything will turn out fine....

FML

Friends come & go... ...

Just caught, The Legend is Born: Ip Man. I must say its a ok-ok film. Decent storyline, but the ending... Is just pretty darn gay.

Maybe they are right, "friends come & go, but 200 pounds will always remain 200 pounds". Hahaha! Tonight, I'm thinking bout all the moments that I've spent with friends who used to be close, thinking of the reason why we've drifted & whether if we really are friends, or is it just my imagination?

Guess friendships don't weight as much & nobody really cares anymore.

Lost as ever

The weather these days is so unpredictable. & rain in the evening seems guaranteed.
Kenneth's advance birthday celebration later, followed by my second guard duty for the month tomorrow. Guess I shouldn't be complaining since I already have the benefit of staying out... But then again, that doesn't mean much cause all I do everyday after work is have dinner at home, look at the laptop for another 3 hours before heading to bed.

Sigh... To be honest, I'm quite bored of my current life. But I've got no idea how to go about changing it. Where is that beautiful girl!?!

Random emo thought

January will be over in a flash, its amazing how fast time can fly. Come to think of it, I'm a real sad guy. You see, we're only teenagers once and I've never experienced a teenage kind of love; an under 20 relationship. Youth, its something that will never return once you've lost it. Sigh... I'm just too weak.

Why...?

I just failed my TP. So disappointed... Mount kerb at crank, arghhh! Didn't manage to practice crank last week due too time constraint and number of cars in the circuit, circuit fully booked this morning, so didn't even get to warm up... Fucked up... Other things all swee swee... I could have passed, I could have passed, I could have passed!!!

):

We're gonna find out...

Something struck me this morning. Its the time back in Secondary School, when we drag ourselves to school, wearing the same uniform, sitting in the same parade square for 4 years. Short or long, its for individuals to decide. 4 years can be too long a time to study, but too short to have fun. 4 years can be too short to make tons of friends but may forge friendships that last forever.

Back in those days, we had little worries, probably just about scoring good grades or some silly boy-girl issues. The path seems to have been laid for us; from trying not to retain, getting good grades for O levels, enrolling into Polytechnics and finally NS, we've definitely come a long way. But now, we have the future to ponder upon cause its so uncertain. I mean, look, in the past, its just about making it through the test and advancing to a standard level, but now... There are just so many different paths to walk and I don't know which to choose.

Man, I can't stop thinking about the future. And at the same time missing the past.

Little late but still,
Happy Belated Birthday Sophie!

I need help

Everyday, I long for the arrival of the weekend, but when its here, it only reminds me of how lonely I really am. My life really is motherfuckingsucks.

Anyway,

Happy Birthday Samantha.

Modified BMT 240709 - 070909

My 7 weeks of Modified BMT is officially over. Although 7 weeks is a short time, a new bond was forged. I can still clearly remember how everyone were strangers on the first day; there were still much ice to be broken. But after a personal introduction session, we became friends and begin talking shit to each other. As days go by, our relationship became something real strong, as though we'd known one another for years.

Everyday when we sang our songs to the cookhouse or any particular places, it meant nothing much but entertainment while marching. However on the last day, when we took our last march as a platoon, singing the same usual songs towards the ferry terminal, I actually felt something. Its hard to describe that feeling with words. I think I'll miss Tekong together with the people and everything that happened during that 7 weeks.

All those enlisting these few days, all the best and have fun. I can say as much as I want, but its never more real than going through it yourselves.

I'm surprised that it still hurts after all these time. It still affects me, makes me feel down, darken my day and make me lose my way. I need a soulmate, a companion, a someone to hold when I'm all alone. I'm empty.

Feelings that can't be put to words

Everyone was excited. It was our first book out after 2 weeks of confinement. I have good commanders, a great platoon, and even better bunk mates.

Had been a long time since I have had this feeling. Feels like I need someone dear to be with me, someone of the opposite gender, someone I love. Why does it hurts everytime I see you smile? Why does it feels like I've lost someone important? Feels like we're on a holiday, far away from each other...

I'm so damn jealous :)

Yes, just smile & I'm totally addicted to Bejeweled Blitz!!! Arghh...

Let's talk about what I did today, been awhile. Ser Chin and I accompanied Kenneth to ICA to have his passport photo replaced. But they don't provide the service anymore, so a new passport had to be made.
We've got no where to go after that but eventually ended up at Dhoby Ghaut. Slacked around before heading home for dinner.
Went to chill-balling with Hiang Peng and Ser Chin after dinner. Can't even remember the last time I balled at night. Was nice talking trash, well spent time.

Realise there have been a lack of pictures. Well, its either there isn't any interesting stuffs or I've lost it.

Alot of things have changed since then. I've got lesser people to share my boring songs with, lesser people to chill out with, lesser people to talk too... I understand people come and go, but when one that really matters went away, found someone better and never came back, it really hurts.
Alot of things happen for a reason. And sometimes we know the reason, but refuse to do a thing bout it cause deep inside we know its pointless. Emotions just keep getting the better of us.

& I wish I've been dreaming everyday, cause I don't want it or any of these to be real.

Where are you?

I've never been the kind to ever let my feeling show, and I thought that being strong meant never losing your self control.

Just want to be anything I'm not; the Ace student in class, the guy that can let his hair down and party, the best player on the court, the man whose hand you held this morning and lips you kissed just before goodnight.

You've been away for too long, I've made up my mind on this. But I need you here tonight, I need you here in sight, I really, really need you here tonight...

Its all bout myself all these while

They say money can't buy you love. Well, money indeed can't buy you love. But money opens up more opportunity for you to love and to be loved. Don't ya agree?

Emptiness struck me tonight. I feel as though having everything in this world means nothing if the special girl isn't here to share it with me. Makes me want to give up on everything...
And I'm very unsatisfied with myself. I want to be much taller, like 177cm. But I know its motherfucking impossible. Being the height I am standing, there are too much things I can't reach. Way too much.

I really hate to comfort myself, telling myself, "oh, its ok, I should be contented with what I have, there are more least fortunate people out there." Sigh... What else can I possibly do? Practice self-motivation? Yup, thats what I'll do, like always.

BBQ tomorrow, something to look forward to.

Happiness is not to be, until...

Its June. 2009 is half way there. & tonight, something came to me, and made me wonder... You see... I was wondering... Just wondering... If she thinks of me sometime.

So when you're happy, remember me. Because when you're happy, I am too, I am happy...
For you.

I can't remember when was the last time I laughed till I cried.
He is right. When things get competitive, people will be happy no more.

Bye.

When we don't know who to hate, we hate ourselves.

You're not unforgettable; you're just stuck in my head.
Its time to accept the fact that people will walk into your life, be nice to you, until the time they find someone nicer than you to be nice with.

我恨自己，恨自己太痴情。

Is chastity still important to woman of the 21st century? That's something to think about.

Lost in myself

I can't believe I got retrenched. Looks like they don't need anymore silly health care assistants. Don't know if I should describe my life as carefree or empty and bored. Except money and love, there really isn't anything else to worry about, in fact, I shouldn't even be bothered by what love bullshit. I'm too lazy, unmotivated and uninspired to do anything.

I'm losing control of myself. I know I shouldn't be like this, but just can't help it. I can't look into those beautiful eyes no more.

Lie to me once again

I think the problem with me is that I've been too truthful, that I haven't lied enough.

I feel so numb. Like I can't feel love no more.

Went skating at East Coast Park. Was more fun than expected. Guess its all these little outing with friends that made life easier. Isn't it funny when you haven't seen someone for just 7 days and it felt like months?