Guess nothing matters anymore. Sorry for all the nonsense. Just be happy (:
Every night since 6 weeks ago, I lay on my bed thinking about random, nonsensical things. But all of these things are of course, branched out from the same root.
I can't stop thinking about what does it means by "unable to communicate" with each other. What does couples of almost 3 years talk about other than current events like church scandals, things the government said, things that happened to our friends, what they did or said?
What exactly is heart-to-heart talk? I mean we spent much of our time together... We share the same group of friends, university or usual hangout clique... Who do I talk about if not them? She wanted me to talk about my 心事 and I said I have none. Guess I should have said that my biggest 心事 is the fear of you leaving me for someone else. Hahahaha!
Hobbies? Yes, maybe I should have took up photography, baking and Muay-Thai, then things might not have ended this way. She said that I always talked about stocks and investments. I mean that's something I do and I was merely sharing it. Isn't that communication?
And what hurt & set me pondering the most is when she told me that the way I treated her is no different from how I treat my female friends, who are also her friends. What the fuck is this? Did I care if they were tired after work or physical activities and went to pick & send them home? Did I worry about if they have gastric? Did I ever gave any fuck if they had lunch & bought lunch for them? She was the only person in the whole fucking world I ever said "I love you" to and she told me the way I treated & spoke to her is no different from other female friends?
Guess it's all excuses, lousy excuses. But it's okay because I know that the only reason is that my time is up. Who doesn't like new excitement to spice up their mundane life. Or maybe she's right, I can't communicate with people. I'm a fucked up uncaring introvert who keeps everything to myself. I really wonder if being with me is such a torture & caused her so much unhappiness. Hahaha! Oh well... Shall end by wishing her happiness. Peace.
2 comments:
You know very well that I don't like to air dirty linens in public, but I think it's time for me to clear your doubts and do myself some justice, once and for all.
Unable to communicate
When I said that we are not able to communicate, it's because we don't talk about things that are deeper. Or rather you don't talk about things that are deeper. Don't understand? I expected it. Taking the church scandal as an example. When we talked about it, we were merely talking about the surface things like what actually happened. Talking deeper will be talking about things like what's your view about such scandal. Eg. "How can he abuse the trust of the church members? That's too much!" I know you would say I'm not even a Christian, how I know what to say. Fine! Here is another example. "As a religion leader, he should set good example to his church members. How can he do such things?"
Or if you need a simpler example. We can take talking about friend's relationship problem as an example. Most of the time, you would tell me "hey friend x quarrelled with bf again. Lame sia!". Instead of saying that they are lame, maybe you can tell me things like why do you find it lame? Eg. "In relationship, sometime we just have to learn to compromise. What's the point of quarrelling all the time?" Or "I think friend x should learn to give her bf some personal space. Men need personal space"
Communication isn't just about talking to each other, or rather it's also about conveying and sharing of ideas and feelings.
The reason why I wanted a heart-to-heart talk session before we sleep was because I want you to tell me about how you think and feel about things. Don't tell me "what's there to say when we share the same groups of friends?". Why do we have to talk about people around us? Can't you talk about yourself? myself? Or even ourselves? Tell me what do you feel like doing in the future or what do you plan to do for our future? What is your ideal/dream wedding? What kind of house do you wanna stay in? Which country do you feel like going next? and why do you feel like going?
"she told me that the way I treated her is no different from how I treat my female friends, who are also her friends."
Based on the above statement, I can tell that you either wasn't listening when I said it or you have been twisting the stories so much that you accidentally twisted this too. I said VERY CLEARLY IN ENGLISH that night that YOU FELT MORE LIKE A GOOD FRIEND THAN A BOYFRIEND. I NEVER said that you treated me the same as how you treated your other girl friends. Obviously that wasn't true. I don't deny the fact that you treated me very well in the past 3 years and i really appreciate it.
FYI
Just in case you forgot about what happened the last time you stayed over at my place, which was about 2 weeks before we broke up. I already told you that I wanted a break up because I told you that we couldn't communicate.
That day, we agreed to make breakfast together but you ended up sitting on the couch, playing with your iphone. When I asked you to help me cook the pasta, you actually told me that you don't know how to cook. C'mon, you definitely cooked pasta for more than two times. Moreover all you had to do is to boil the water, throw the pasta in and wait for them to be cooked. So I made the "tsk" sound to show my displeasure, and instead of apologizing for not helping or show any sense of remorse, you told me that it was very rude to do so. WTH?! Tell me how am I supposed to communicate with you? You told me to give you a chance and promised to change but after 1 day of trying you reverted back to your usual self.
I already had the intention of leaving you even before me and him started exchanging messages more frequently. You were the one who claimed that you will change, that was why i stayed. But you took that chance for granted. So please stop going around telling people that I didn't give you a chance to change and that I came up with lousy reasons to break up with you so that I can get together with another man.
I don't mind all the nasty things that you said to/about me, whether on whats app/ facebook status/ blog as long as you feel better after rantings because I know that I'm partially responsible for the failure of our relationship. But I do have my limits too. If you were to go around saying untrue things, then I'm sorry, I can't sit back and watch things happen.
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