The Lost Answers

Nobody understands. The void that lives within us. The leaps that we can never find the courage to take. The unrequited love. The feeling of being an option; the feeling of having options. The future we'll never read; the future that may never come. The screams in your mind; the words left unsaid.

A feeling that you might have forgotten

"Anyone can catch your eyes, but it takes someone special to catch your heart."

When was the last time you allowed someone to enter your mind and somehow got them stuck in there for the longest time; from the moment you wake up to the moment you close your eyes. - Even that seems too short.

The image of his face forms naturally when you stare into blank, those bewitching eyes & mischievous smile, forever seem so fascinating no matter how many times you look at them. 

And the mere thought of sighting him among the crowd sets your heart racing. Yes, just the thought.

When will it be my turn?

"Even when you're crying you're beautiful too...

You're my downfall, you're my muse, my worst distraction, my rhythm and blues..."

Congratulations to our long time friend S and her husband for tying the knot last Friday. Always happy to attend the weddings of close relatives & friends. 

Despite the countless married couples around, I still find it hard to imagine myself getting married. Maybe it's because I'm still without a partner at the moment. I always believe that there is bound to be someone on this planet who is made solely for us. And I'm going to meet mine someday. Or maybe I've already met her, just that the part where our destinies are to intertwine each other has yet to arrive. 

But marriage is such an huge decision in life! I'd undisputedly rank it the No.1 decision in life if not for the thing called "divorce". & you should have already known, getting married to someone means spending the rest of our life with them, staying faithful and loyal only to them. Showering them with unconditioned love, care, concern and trust.

Oh well... I guess there isn't a need to excessively ponder over these. You'll know if he/she is the right person when the right one comes along. No questions needed. And you'll definitely put all those mentioned above into play. It's hard to put into words, but it's something like he/she is the first person you want to see sleeping next to you when you open your eyes every morning. In short, our heart will tell us if we truly want to grow old with him/her (:

Why am I even writing about this... Must be the haze. It's getting to me... Drink more plain water my dear friends! 2 public holidays in October! The 6th and 22nd! Hoo-ray! 

"O is for the only one I see"

Just returned from Bangkok. Awesome trip! But it was neither the food I ate nor the places I went to that made it great. It was the friendships I found.

Alright, time to snap back to reality. Enough of fun & feeling recharged already. Let's work hard together & make our days count!

"I look right pass them. Because I only have eyes for the one that I adore."

The Fallen One

I realised that I really like to work. It keeps me numb, keeps me occupied. When I'm not at work, I think about life. I think about the future & what awaits me. Is it loneliness? Or will I even make it there? I think about what should I do during my off days, about if I'm ever going to have my own kids. What kind of a person would my wife be, if I actually managed to marry one that is... And I'll constantly be looking for reasons and excuses to keep myself in the comfort zone.

But when I'm at work, all I think about is getting shit done. Making no errors, staying meticulous. I think about the money I'm going to make, about how I'm going to make more money with the money I just made. And followed by how I'm going to spend all these money, which I probably never will because all I do is work and reinvest. Oh well, I don't even make that much in the first place...

Have you ever read a quote saying, "some people are so poor, all they have is money"? Haha, I was thinking that it's probably because these people aren't making good use of their money. And then I think about those who are real poor, who don't even have money. Just absolutely nothing.

The truth is... I fully understand the quote. Which is exactly why I know that I can never truly be happy. Because all I feel is nothingness. I don't feel anything... Just nonchalant about life. Just living.

Why? Maybe it's because I've given up. I've stopped trying. I can neither find an explaination to this feeling nor a reason to not feel this way.

Officially Graduate loh!

So... We'd finally obtained the title of "Graduate". It'd been a long journey hasn't it? All the bitter-sweet moments, like staying back in school, cracking our heads to think of places which are conducive enough for working on the numerous projects, travelling to each others place or estate sometimes... Getting pissed at the leech. And doing silly assignments such as the economics journal or some shit, can't really remember... Looking back, I didn't quite had an exciting & fulfilling university life, did I? Oh yeah, maybe the infrequent nights we spent playing LAN. That was fun. And the Bashes at Zouk. Had only attended it twice, but was definitely epic enough. Oh well, what was I expecting. I guess it was all good. Considering all the friends I'd made. And lost.

Alright, shall post some photos of my convocation from the 25th of August. More to come, these are all that I have at the moment...

My supportive family & I.
I'd be nothing without them.

Part of the clique that made everything possible.

North-side Buddy.
Made University life easier.

I rarely take photo with woman.
But when I do, she's usually an angel in disguise :D

We'd certainly came a long way...

Yup, that's us. 

I don't know if it's just me... But growing up has made posting pictures online kind of uncomfortable, especially on a blog. It sometimes feel like, "why am I sharing all these with people (or rather strangers)?" Then I'd ask myself again, "why not?" Haha... Yes, I'm contradicting like this. 

Sigh... Another day wasted. Got to start making the days count!

Never let the failure of others be a hindrance to our advance. Take these failures as references. Avoid what they did wrong, improvise on the rights & be ready. The rest? Just got to believe that you've got what it takes. Just do it.

Been a long year. I survived!

Hello, been a while since I updated. Let me share what I've been up to. Work has been alright. The addition of a new member to the team has definitely decreased my workload. Moreover, it's the "low" season now. But I'd say that it's just the calm before the storm. I mean... It's just a cycle, like how Mondays have to come before the arrival of Fridays. Life cycle, business cycle, whatever.

Nothing exciting in my life though. It's so boring that I'd say watching the stock market rise and fall generates the most excitement in my life. Sounds pathetic? Hahaha! Anyway, many companies will be releasing their financial reports for first half of 2014 in the coming weeks, stay tuned investors! 

Upcoming events, University Convocation & the wedding of a friend. In fact, it'll be the first time that I'm attending the wedding banquet of a friend. Looking forward to it. 

Sometimes I hate myself for being such a frugal individual. I wish I didn't have this attribute, that I can set myself free and spend every dollar in my possession. Okay, maybe not that serious, how bout save much lesser than I currently am & still feel comfortable about it? Hahaha... Maybe I should let loose & spend every single cent of my salary for a particular month. Nah, that's too crazy, I can never bring myself to do that. 

Alright, let's go get some Monday blue! Oh, it's the 4th of August. I'm officially single for a year! Light them up people!

Stay high.

I cannot watch Hong Kong drama.

I cannot watch National Geographic/Animal Planet/Nat Geo Wild.

I cannot watch movies that fall under the category of Romance.

I cannot think of returning to Taipei. I want to. But my heart feels like it's sinking onto a bed of thorns each time I think about it.

Nah. Just kidding. I can do all of the above just fine. I simply chose not to. Guess that's what falling in & out of love is about. We get reminded of that person who used to mean everything to us every now and then. But nobody really cares anymore because it's all matters of the past. 

What is this that I'm feeling tonight...? Probably need something to fill the void in me.

You're gone and I got to stay high all the time, all the time, high all the time, to climb, to keep you off my mind. Staying in my play pretend, where the fun ain't got no end... Can't go home alone again. Need someone to numb the pain. 

"People only know what you tell them"

Gosh, aren't the weather these days a bitch? I don't know about you, but I'd inevitably, & literally, sweat my butt off if I wasn't in an air-conditioned place. Oh well, I sleep without AC anyway, so I guess it's no big deal.

I really take my hat off to people who work & adopt study commitments at the same time. It's indeed not easy. I guess it's all about time management & sacrifices. You want to have fun all the time or take a portion out of it & do something that truly counts. With that being said, sometimes having fun can take one further than academic achievements. Sometimes. Sigh... I need to get started.

It's strange why I still think about the past, still browse through my Instagram, look at those old pictures which have probably lost any meaning they used to hold... I want to go back to Taipei, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid to face the "familiarity" of that place... The memories that have been bound with the City.

Have you ever felt like the person you're currently with is not the person who you want to spend the rest of your life with, but can never find that courage to call it quits? Because once you do, you'd lost so much. All the things you're ever familiar with.

Gosh, why am I thinking so much tonight. It's ridiculous. Going to sleep now. Happy Monday everyone, especially the students returning to school :D I feel y'all. But I feel more for the people going to work ;)

Birthday weekend deserves an update

So... I'm finally 25 years old. I guess one of the bigger events in 2014 for me is joining the workforce and probably going to Bangkok. More epic moments to come! I hope... 

Just remembered that I didn't get myself a birthday present this year! Oh well, guess I'll just keep it in-lieu, because what I'm aiming for is something much bigger than what I can currently afford. Go read up on delayed gratification. It's not easy to put into play. But I believe that when there is a will, there is a way. And nothing is actually easy, not until you're done & over with it.

Monday coming right up, sit tight people! We are mid way through the year! The next long weekend will fall on the 26 to 28 of July. Make it count! Although I think mine will be boring as usual. Hahaha! 

See y'all soon my beloved friends.

The rest of your life. And we only live once.

Do you feel like, "damn, it's going to be Monday tomorrow once again" on every Sundays? It guess it's normal, cause I've the exact same feeling. But the next thought that comes into my mind is, "come at me all y'all endless work loads! I'll take you on!" Hahaha! Another comforting aspect is that the market will be opened from Monday to Friday, which also means that there is a possibility of making a windfall :D ... Or a "downfall". Hahaha!

So... It's finally June! I used to love June, because it marks the beginning of the mid-year school holiday. But now, June only reminds me that I'm getting older and there are still so much out there waiting to be accomplished. Just like what I wrote in my previous post — time, is indeed the most important thing in life.

While hanging out with some friends this weekend, I had a thought. What does it mean if you asked yourself, "am I really going to spend the rest of my life with him/her?" I figured that this question, when asked in a relationship, is unlikely to be a question that seeks affirmation, but rather one that constitutes doubt. You are having second thoughts. Of course things may work out if both parties are willing to compromise each other. But "may", is like walking on thin ice. & I'm sure most of us understand the theory of "opportunity lost" :D

So I had this resolve. The woman I seek will be someone who will make me say to myself, "damn, I want to spend the rest of my life with her." Or if I'll ever have to ask myself the question above, about if I'm really going to spend the rest of my life with her, the answer has to be "duh". No doubts. Hope I don't end up "forever alone" though :D

I'm starting to lose the "feel" to blog because I realised that all I blog about are silly stuffs regarding relationships & love. Oh well... I guess the purpose of having a blog is for me to write whatever the fuck I want. Peace.

Time is precious is an understatement

We meet many different people in our life, either from work, school, social events or even the streets. How would you decide of you want this particular person in your life? Because he is tall & good-looking? Humorous? Because of his character or personality? Or simply because he has made effort to show that he wants to be in your life too? Maybe that's what some called chemistry, while others called it fate.

But you know, even chemistry fades and fate sometimes runs out of time. Feelings change, like pages of a book or seasons of the year. We can't force ourselves to continue reading the same page of the same book over and over again. Neither can we choose to stay in summer eternally just because we like it. Things like these are inevitable. Changes, are inevitable. And we need the courage to face it, to accept these changes, because at the end of the day, we'll realise that it's time that we are wasting. & time, is in fact the most precious entity that ever existed.

Seems like I'd just ran out of time. Shall continue my grumble/rumble/mumble when I return. I wish time would stop when I'm with you; so that I'll never have to say goodbye, watch you walk away or spend nights like these thinking about you. But on second thought... I don't really wish for time to stop. Because I long to grow old with you.

1 more confused soul

Do you like your public holiday to be directly before or after the weekend? E.g. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Or would you prefer it like this PH that we are currently having? I personally like it this way. Makes the week feel shorter.

So... It'd been 9 months now. Gosh, why am I even thinking about this again... I don't know... Maybe I miss the feeling of being irritated by someone who matters. Or maybe I miss the feeling of trying to be committed to someone. Because all I have now is a job. It's all I think about. And I'm not kidding, I actually considered going back to office and finish some stuffs that don't even fall under the "urgent" category tomorrow.

I hate myself sometimes. And I think I have depression other times. But it can't be. I'm just over thinking. How can someone like me have depression? I mean, every time I step out of the house, I'd be like, I'm going out there & people are going to be admiring me. Even though I have nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Hahahaha! "You mad bro?"

What good are weekends?

Hello there, the angel from my nightmare

The shadow in the background of the morgue

The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley

We can live like Jack and Sally if we want

Where you can always find me

And we'll have halloween on Christmas

And in the night we'll wish this never ends

We'll wish this never ends

Where are you and I'm so sorry

I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight

I need somebody and always

This sick, strange darkness

Comes creeping on so haunting everytime 

And as I stared I counted the webs from all the spiders

Catching things and eating their insides

Like indecision to call you and hear your voice of treason

Will you come home and stop this pain tonight?

Saturday - Sunday - Monday - Tuesday - Wednesday - Thursday - Friday - Saturday - Sunday - Monday - Tuesday - Wednesday - Thursday - Friday - Saturday - Sunday - Monday - Tuesday - Wednesday - Thursday - Friday - Saturday - Sunday - Monday - Tuesday - Wednesday - Thursday - Friday - Saturday - Sunday - Monday - Tuesday - Wednesday - Thursday - Friday - Saturday... Sunday... Mo...

If being myself means loneliness, then I can't be myself

It's exam period once again. The only difference is that it does not concern me this time :D Actually, I shouldn't say that it does not concern me. It does in a way because some of my friends are studying hard for their papers and can't hang out with me :/ Oh well, I wish all of you, my beloved friends/crush/cousin/stranger, all the best for your coming examination. In Thai language, we'd say chok di krap (or ka if you're female), which means good luck :D

So, it's 1st of May already... I read this somewhere: "One day you're seventeen & planning for someday, & then quietly, without you ever really noticing, someday is today, & that someday is yesterday & this is your life". 

I spend lots of time thinking about what I really want in life. I come up with ways to change my life to the way I think I want to live. But none seems to fit. I wish I can cut the chase and find this one girl whose personality is just as I seek. Then we'd be together happily ever after. Hahaha! 

Can I really find/meet someone who is meant for me just by being myself? I'd say no if you'd asked me. Because being myself is too conservative and peaceful. As much as I love sports and adventures, I'm actually the kind of guy who loves to stick with close friends than meet new people. I'm the kind of person who'd go on a beach vacation, chill by the sea, complain about being bored but deep inside, enjoying the sound of people chattering nearby; of the crashing waves and the "nothingness" of being there. 

& I know that in order to meet that someone, I'll have to be somewhere out there... Out of my comfort zone, be at the right place & the right time. Somewhere... Movies that show introverts or wallflowers who randomly run into a girl, and then fall in love with each other... They are all lies. It can never happen in real life.

Guess I'll just live my life as I like. They say all that matters is that we are happy and what will be, will be. Right? -Ya, right.

Maybe I'm just not used to this loneliness yet. On second thought, I think I'm not lonely. Just single that's all. Ahahahaha! And maybe a little confused :D
Peace.

What about them that attract you?

What is it about the opposite gender that attracts you? For me, at first sight, without taking personality into consideration, it's got to be the eyes. The kind of eyes that once you've looked into it, you'd lost your soul forever. Hahaha, alright, that's exaggerating. It's hard to explain, it's like they are filled with mystery, one that makes you want to spend your entire life solving.

And then it'd be the smile. Many times I've seen girls who looked so ordinary until they demonstrated their captivating smile. Well, I guess that's the whole point of smiling, to steal hearts. Hahaha!

Tough week ahead! The only comforting part is that it's a 4 days work week! BKK soon, can't wait! Shall wish for a smooth week ahead before I sleep! Faan waan!

Losing sanity. Losing touch.

I finally understand why some people always have to chat on the phone or constantly text someone every night — because it's really quiet at night. When you are alone, all there is to listen to is the sound of the wind, either from your AC or fan, or maybe your own screaming thoughts.

Why don't I listen to music you may ask. To me, music is just another part of this silent. Maybe I'm just bored of all my songs... Or maybe what I seek is no mere sound of any form. It's communication.

I read somewhere that the reason for some people to always tweet / blog is because they have little friends to turn to. Made me wondered for a while and I concluded that it isn't true for my case. I just decide that I shall not bother anyone with all these insignificant thoughts of mine. Random tweets and occasion blogs will do just fine... I think... It's true that I have a small number of friends though. And decreasing as days go by.

A piece if advice for everyone who is a friend to somebody: people do get sick if you constantly reject meet up request. You may have all the valid reasons in the world. But we all know the truth — it is just that this "friendship" is of the least priority as compared to every other matters in your life. So please, if you are a friend to someone, act like it. Because I have given up, & I hope no one else will have to walk this path.

Can't wait to get married. Then I can hide somewhere on this planet with my beautiful wife. Hahaha!

Keep it real. Peace.

"Not telling you"

I want to move closer to you

I've wanted to get to know you since I met you

My heart pounds when I hear your voice

Since the day we first met, I've been absently daydreaming

As soon as I got introduced, I wanted to say hello

But as soon as I couldn't see you, my heart became mixed up

You disappeared, I’m worried to death

Will you be okay? Do you have someone to take care of you over there? I don’t know 

I nearly forgot to breath when you came close

At just your smile, my whole heart pounds

I want to tell you so you can realize the things in my heart 

But I don’t know if telling you right now would be moving too fast

I still don’t know how you feel

If I tell you those words, and your answer is no

If it’s like that, you’ll probably run away 

It’s perfectly enough already if I have you near me

I can hear your voice, I can take care of you from afar

I’ll keep my secrets in my heart

However much it gets to be, I refuse to speak them 

I want to tell you so you can understand my heart

Seriously, I want to tell you those words

But I’m so scared that I’ll be upset

If you can’t accept them, you’ll probably refuse to forgive me for those words 

It’s so frustrating, I have to keep it inside

It’s frustrating, I’m afraid that if I say it, I’m afraid I’ll be upset 

I’ll keep it away until I reveal my heart

I’ll wait for that day, the day I’ll be certain that you think I’m the one

And you’re ready to listen to the things I have inside 

I’ll tell you I love you so you can hear it closely

I’m telling you my love, do you hear me?

If it’s still not clear, you can listen to it again

Do you hear that I love you with all of my heart

- Backroom Audio

A foolish seeking game

I'm a simple person. I don't need to drive lavish cars or live in premium houses. I don't need to be so wealthy that I can travel around the world every quarter of every year just to experience the 4 seasons. 

I just need someone who I can love, and will love me in return. Someone who will count on me when she is feeling low and that I can do the same with her.

And for this "someone" that I seek, I will work to achieve the things mentioned above. All the things that I do not need, simply because she might want them. Or maybe it is these things that I do not need that will actually help me find what I'm looking for. 

Not a material girl hopefully. 

But what if she is? Well, if I really do love her, then so be it... Love is a foolish game after all. & fools, are sometime the happiest people on earth, don't you think so?

At 25

At this age, I'm starting to realise many things. Or rather my experiences in life thus far is starting to make me view life differently as compared to how I did before.

I'm starting to find girls aged 22 or below incredibly young. Feels like they haven't seen or experienced enough in life to "settle down". Oops, did I just made it sound like I'm looking to settle down already? Hahaha! I guess I'm still quite "green" myself to be even talking about experiences in life...

Materialism & cynicism are real. And we are all "tainted" by them. Shall not elaborate more on this because that's all there's to it. But I still believe in true love :D hahaha! I still believe in how 2 people, who has absolutely nothing (except for themselves) to give each other, can be together simply because of who they are underneath. & I believe I will find it someday. Okay, that was a lie. Ahahaha!

"Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication" they said... And I think one of the simplest & enjoyable thing to do in life is to watch HBO or other movie channels on a 55" TV with your love one in the night of a lazy weekend till the both of you doze off. Like what I've always said, it's never really about what you're doing, it's about who you're doing it with. 

Okay, having a mental block already. Been reading so much stuffs through the computer screen at work everyday that I can't stand the combination of "alphabets + numerals + computer screen". 4 days work week coming right up! Ganbatte-kudasai minna! 

Geez, what an otaku.