What is wrong with me?

It's like something is keeping me closed when there is really nothing at all. Like I want to speak 90% of the time, but decided not to. I know I need to talk to people more, be friendly and all sociable. But I find it kind of hard to do... Maybe the term "forever alone" is made for people like me. I really need to sign up for dating services. Or maybe counseling. I just need to free myself from this invisible or non-existent chain. That is what I really need to do.

And I realised that I'm so bitter. Shall name myself "bitter-god" from now on.

Looking forward to nothing is what that's keeping me alive.

One of the worst feelings in the world is to come home everyday after work with absolutely nothing to look forward to except maybe the weekend. And when the weekend finally arrives, you realize that all that awaited you is emptiness. You browse through your phone book, message a few friends and you actually feel glad to receive replies, although they indicate "not available", because at least they replied. Others simply didn't care. I guess everyone has their own commitments to attend to at our age.

Then you end up roaming the street alone, having the idea that you might meet someone just like you; bored, lonely and just living. But it'll never happen. Pubs and clubs are good ideas, but what if you find staying up late out there after midnight so tiring? Maybe that is call stepping out of "comfort zone". 

The next thing you know, it's Monday. You'll come home after work, thinking of ways to look for a companion, but none seems applicable. Then you'll realize that maybe the most realistic one is probably going to a club or pub this coming weekend. So you start looking forward to the weekend once again... And again... And again...

You are truly blessed if you cannot comprehend such feeling. It means you have never truly been alone. And this kind of loneliness, I believe, can only be understood by people who are genuinely going through it.

So far so good!

Hi, a quick update on what & how I've been doing. Work has been good so far, maybe it's because I'm still fresh and still has plenty to learn. Work environment is good though, friendly colleagues and superiors, simply awesome. One issue about working in the city is the cost of food... I've been spending an average of S$5 on lunch till now. Oh well, at least there are plenty of office ladies (OL) to see :D and I'm talking about quantity with quality here, ahahaha! Haven't been working out though... Either ended work late or too tired to train... Hope I don't become a fatty soon, hahaha!

With an occupation, my life is almost complete... Just lack of a soul mate, or rather companion. People have been telling me that someone for me will eventually come along. But I don't believe it. I believe that destiny is in our own hands and things happen because we want them to, because we make them happen. Well, of course if a woman got love struck and initiates to talk to me, then I'd truly call it destiny. Hahaha! But this will never happen. Moreover, like I always say, "a man got to do what a man got to do." Destiny only apply to girls; when a man of their dream decides to approach them. That is destiny. For us men, we just got to make it happen. Tough huh?

I'm so into this Thai celebrity these days. Knomjean! Hahaha! She is fine! I guess single man will always look for some female icon to worship, like how I worshiped Girls' Generation 3 years ago, hahaha! Fills my empty heart! Ya know what I'm saying?! Hahaha! Goodnight & peace! :D

Time to Slog My Guts Out

This is it I guess. Quote of the day, or rather of this whole new adventure: 

"I want to remember that no one is going to make my dreams come true for me... It is my job to get up everyday and work toward the things that are deepest in my heart... And to enjoy every step of the journey rather than wishing I was already where I want to end up."

You know what is the worst part about falling in & out of love? It's when you can remember all the first times that you shared with your partner & simultaneously the last times. It's not a good feeling. But it's something we have to deal with. Just like stepping into a whole new environment, knowing new people, who will eventually become colleagues, taking on new responsibilities, and so on. With that being said, I'm still freaking nervous!!! The anxiety is killing me!!! Hahaha... Gosh, how I wish I have a Significant Other (SO) now. Then I can rant to her & maybe she can calm my soul. 

In my dreams then, goodnight and peace :)

New Phase of Life. Embrace it.

Today is probably the last Sunday that I can take it easy & not have that "oh shit, it's Monday tomorrow" feeling. But who knows, it might turn out to be "oh yeah, it's Monday tomorrow." Hahaha! Wonder what awaits me... Well, whatever it is, I got to be ready. I have to be. Gosh, I can sense a sleepless night tomorrow already... The anxiety always gets to me.

Do all these transition phases in life reminds you of the past; all the walks you'd took, the journeys you'd made? We've definitely came a long way, didn't we? First day into Primary school, then to Secondary, Polytechnic, National Service & finally University... Come to think of it, the transition from NS to University was the easiest to me, simply because there was someone dear with me. Oh well... Like I said, some walks we have to take alone, right? Just hope that I don't have to take this walk of life alone. Hahaha... 

Watched so many movies these few days. Mostly those that I'd missed. The Great Gatsby, Hangover 1, 2 and 3, Man of Steel, Lone Survivor, Battleship, We Bought a Zoo, The Hobit: Desolation of Smaug and The Wolf of Wall Street. I think that's about the amount of movies I'd watched in the whole of 2013, hahaha...

Some people say that they enjoy "alone time"... But I think that to be able to truly enjoy being alone, one has to be complete, to be leading a vibrant or hectic life. To me, being alone is just pitiful, or maybe because I've had too much of such "alone time". I wasn't like this in the past, but now, it just reminds me of how lonely I really am. It's sad, but it's the truth. Maybe I haven't gotten used to not having someone around... Been 5 months huh... Let's hope things get better starting next week. Peace.

Just a Reverie. Just.

I’d dream about that moment when I would go down on my knee like a chivalrous knight, only to be armed with a ring, and ask her if she’d marry me.

I’d imagine looking deeply into those alluring eyes; probably for the millionth time now, slowly swell up with tears as I waited for a reply. She would have both her hands clasped together, leaving only a tiny gap to cover her lovely lips & adorable nose. Yes, just like that typical action people always do when in shock.

I figured that she’d be too astounded to react & allowed her another 6 seconds before asking again, “Will you, my sunshine?” Then maybe she would lower one of her hands, the hand which gap fits flawlessly into mine, and I would held it so gently, as if handling a new life. Following after would be a familiar quivering voice, “Yes, I will.”

By this time, I’d be overwhelmed by immense joy, my heart racing with excitement. But I had to contain it. I had to, because the ring was still in my possession. Not for long though. I would then gracefully slip that symbolic ring, one that’d bind us eternally, into her delicate ring finger. Then I’d stand up, all these while trying to find myself in her eyes, & say, “I love you.” Before locking our lips so tightly that nothing, absolutely nothing, not even death, could separate us for that moment in time.

"Dreaming about the things we could be."

I thought we were fine, that what we shared was like a tiny growing sprout. With time as nutrients, moments as water & hope as sunlight, I believed that we'd flourish someday. Maybe I had too much faith & forgot that "someday" might never come. I also believed that the differences & occasional arguments were like passing storms, merely a threat that every growing sprout must brave until they mature. But without hope for the future, like a sprout without sunlight, we perished.

I passed by the neighborhood mall last night & saw the zodiac forecast they'd display before every Chinese New Year & it felt like last week when we were just there reading those predictions together.

It's hard isn't it? For those of you who have been through it; to let go and move on completely... I guess the only way to be freed is to get entangled in yet another love story. One that might never come. Or one that might end as tragically as that passed sprout. Or maybe, if fortunate enough, one that matures into a sturdy tree which can brave any storms.

"You only need the light when it's burning low, 

only miss the sun when it starts to snow, 

only know you've been high when you're feeling low, 

only hate the road when you're missing home, 

only know you love her when you let her go."

Welcome to 2014! & more fragments of the past

Happy New Year everybody! How can I miss out the chance to write about something on this "epic" day of the year? The day of a new beginning, the 1st of January. Maybe not so on "the day of a new beginning" because I believe that any day can be the beginning of something new as long as you are ready to set aside the past, live the present & embrace the future.

However, & unfortunately, it became a rather emotional 1st of January for me when I decided to sort out my university notes. Those notes reminded me of the times when we'd go to school early just to get them printed. Some of them were printed by her at home for me. Every pieces of those paper reminded me of little moments we had. The statistic notes brought back memories from when we'd sit together and practice our ass out, questions after questions, pages after pages. This particular one, part of our Marketing Communication project, a story board drawn by her, actually brought a lump to my throat. Felt like it was just last week when we were juggling with all these projects together, camping in corners of the school or at friends' house... & when I was flipping through the stacks to see what module they belong to, I saw that familiar, yet now distant hand writing on some of these papers... Those words that she once wrote for my sake. It burns.

Sigh. Almost set my entire wooden study desk on fire. Burn everything once & for all... Oh well, I guess I'll have to deal with these sooner or later, might as well be today. I'm keeping those nicely bound notes though. For whatever reasons... What I truly find amusing is that I don't even feel this much from the gifts, yet of all stuffs, school / lecture notes... Gosh, I seriously question my sanity sometimes. 

Book: "Monday Morning Choices" by David Cottrell

I read this book, "Monday Morning Choices" by David Cottrell, recently and though that it's pretty good! I guess it falls into that kind of self-improvement & motivational category. Just want to share a tiny portion of the book.

Character Choices

1) The No Victim Choice --- Don't let your past eat your future.

Do I accept total responsibility for my success?

2) The Commitment Choice --- Be passionate enough to succeed.

Am I committed to paying the price of success?

3) The Values Choice --- Choose the right enemies.

Do I accept that there will be enemies who oppose my values?

4) The Integrity Choice --- Do the right thing.

Will my success be accomplished without a sacrifice of my integrity? 

Action Choices

5) The Do-Something Choice --- Don't vacation on "Someday Isle".

Will I attack complacency and do something daily towards success?

6) The Persistence Choice --- Learn from failure.

Will I hang in there, beyond failure, long enough to achieve success?

7) The Attitude Choice --- Take the enthusiastic approach.

Will I take a positive approach to the unexpected twists and turns of life?

8) The Adversity Choice --- Conquer difficult times.

Will I attack adversity, regardless of what happens along the way? 

Investment Choices

9) The Relationship Choice --- Connect with success.

Will I invest time in building positive relationships?

10) The Criticism Choice --- Embrace tough learning.

Do I accept criticism as valuable feedback?

11) The Reality Choice --- Face the truth.

Am I true to myself and all those around me?

12) The Legacy Choice --- Give your gift.

Do I share the gift of my experience and knowledge with others?

I know this sounds real cliche, but this is just the tip of an iceberg. The book provides great insights & reading it felt like going through a lesson about life! Good read if you are simply bumming around & feel a little lost in life.

What I think of Love & Relationship

Would you rather be single and spend lonely, empty nights by yourself or be attached to someone who doesn't bring out the best in you and only provides you with momentary happiness? To be honest, I would choose the latter anytime because it sucks to be alone. It sucks to not have somebody constantly on our mind, hoping that we are on theirs at the same time and it sucks to be siting around, wondering when is the "right" one going to appear.

But really? Is that what we really want? Maybe... If we're just searching for a short term relationship or simply a companionship, I'd say go ahead... But of course that is if you are game enough for the little heartaches & wee-hours-sadness that might tag along. Else I think we should just leave when unhappy. 

Seriously, what is more important than being happy in a relationship? & don't get me wrong, by that, I mean the happiness of our partner. I used to believe in trying so damn hard to please our partner & hope that they will be happy, that they will not leave us. But at some point of my life, I realised that this is all wrong. We shouldn't have to try so hard, in fact, we shouldn't even be trying because they should be happy when we are happy, just like how I'm happy when "she" is. That is what love is about. To me at least...

The woman (or man) that we love should not have to change a great deal just to please us. Yes, changes are inevitable. Actually I'd call it compromise rather than change. But if you find yourself compromising so much to a point that you feel like you're losing yourself and yet, happiness seems to come knocking a little too less often, then I think it's time to leave. Because we all know that history is just going to keep repeating itself, over & over & over again...

Just my 2 cent worth. I'm a noob when it comes to relationship or love issue. But one thing I'm 100% sure of is that the girl I love does not have to do a thing to please me. All she has to do is be happy, & I'll definitely be much more happier than she is. Regarding her source of happiness, it'll still come down to me because a man got to do what a man got to do, right? Ahahaha... Peace.

I wish someone had given me a box of "happiness" for Christmas

"There's nothing worst than not experiencing life for the fear of what it may bring."

I watched "The Great Gatsby" recently & I must say it's a decent movie. Made me realise how true love and obsession is just a thin line apart. To be honest, I don't even know if Gatsby truly loves Daisy or is he just obsessed about being with her. I think it's the latter cause... Watch the movie yourself to determine. Hahaha!

It'd been a while, "old" Christmas

"... Because I've moved on." "... Because I've moved on." "... Because I've moved on." "... Because I've moved on." "... Because I've moved on." "... Because I've moved on." "... Because I've moved on." "... Because I've moved on." "... Because I've moved on." "... Because I've moved on." "... Because I've moved on." "... Because I've moved on." "... Because I've moved on." "... Because I've moved on." "... Because I've moved on." "... Because I've moved on."

Merry Christmas (:

"This is what every girl wishes they could say to their greatest heartbreaker"

This is a marvelous piece of work from the Thought Catalogy. I'd like to say these words to my heart breaker too, does that make me a girl? Haha. What a cold and windy Sunday, Brrrr... Suddenly feel so sick of all the lies people had told me, even if it's for my own good. Or was it to protect their own skin? I don't know, & better not to.

"I think you know how you broke my heart and how much pain you’ve caused. I was too scared to admit that you almost broke everything about me. I actually didn’t have time to think about your feelings when we broke up. I was busy trying to bounce back, living one day at a time. I’ve seen this a thousand times. I’ve seen how girls broke down after a painful breakup.We were friends and you know my story. I was the happy go lucky girl who didn’t believe in commitments, labels, promises, all those things they say about falling in love. I was skeptical about everything.

I built this very high wall to protect myself. I had all kinds of girl issues! All these things changed when I met you. I allowed you to affect me. I let you label me (as a girlfriend). I obeyed you. I agreed to your terms. I compromised. I settled. You became my life. My love.

I was so sure about us. I was so ready to make everything right this time. No more walls, issues, and setbacks. I was determined to never commit the same mistakes again. I loved you so much. I allowed you to be part of everything about me.

So when things didn’t work out, my world collapsed. From Day 1, I decided to fight for you. You were a lot to lose, like I told you, so I just waited. I believe I was never the clingy-needy type so I just waited for you on the sidelines, waiting for you to come back. But you didn’t. You moved on without saying a word. It was so hard for me to recover. I didn’t think I would still have a chance to be extremely happy. The hardest to let go were the memories: our laughter, our sweet nothings, our adventures, and misadventures. I believe we had so much fun together. The hardest part was accepting that you’re gone and we won’t have that much fun anymore.

I guess I really loved you too much that I forced myself to cut everything and just let you be happy. I let you move on. I just trained myself to accept everything wholeheartedly. I tried to be happy for you. Well I did become happy for you, in the long run. I was okay, in the long run.

Looking back, I still believe everything was worth it. I was happiest to be with you. I wouldn’t change anything. So I still want to thank you. Thank you for all our adventures and misadventures, everything I learned from you. Everything was worth every tear. And thank God I learned to get a hold of myself even if my world was crumbling to pieces. You made me realize that I still love myself. I also hope you find the peace, success, and love you deserve."  - By REJ TANAEL

Something about you

There is something about the way you smile that makes me fall head over heels for you. & there is something about your smile that makes the smile of everyone else seems absolutely bland.

Wow. Christmas & New Year will be over in less than 2 weeks. It'd been one hell of a year. Yes, one hell. Maybe I should write a post that summarises my entire 2013. Actually I can do it now. Workout, Taipei, heartbreak, Boracay, graduate & jobless. That's about it, short & sweet :D

And my New Year Resolution for 2014 is to not change a thing. Except to get employed. Or maybe know more people/friends. The rest are either too insignificant to be called a resolution, way too out of reach or not going to happen in 2014. Or is there something I should change to improve myself? Like workout less often or be meaner to people? Let me know! Peace.

Polaroids are the worst.

Polaroids are the worst. They remind you of all the beautiful moments which are over & gone, that the people in it are no long who they used to be and what makes it really evil and dreadful is that you can never bear to throw them away.

Passionate dream or Material dream

"Hey. Don't ever let somebody tell you, you can't do something. Not even me. You got a dream, you gotta protect it. People can't do something themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. If you want something, go get it. Period."

- Christopher Paul "Chris" Gardner

I've read & heard so many stories about people chasing their dreams and passions. Be it writers, bodybuilders or martial artists, these people have a goal in mind and commit 100% to achieving it. And this sets me wondering, "how come I don't have a dream so strong that I'd give everything to accomplish it?" Or did I just not have the courage to do so?

On second thought, I did have many dreams. I wanted to be a lawyer when I was young, probably due to some old time Hong Kong drama, haha... But I lost it when I got exposed to Science at Primary 3. It was when I decided to be a scientist because science then, was so intriguing. I mean it still is. However, this time round, I can't remember when and how, and the next thing I know is that I've begin my chase after the material "dream" that keeps us alive. I started living or working with the ideal of securing a job, earning big bucks, travel the world, buy nice cars, watches, find a girl, get married, start our own family and live.

Confucius once said, "choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life." Seems like I'll be working for a long time. Hahaha! Maybe not, I might just find a job I love, hope is not yet lost! Haha! Well, what I'm really trying to bring across here is that I truly admire those who are not stuck in this rat race, those who live for their passion regardless of how much they are getting paid, as long as they're happy. But I guess if you are working for your passion, it's more likely that you'll succeed, right? Oh, one of my dream is to be a basketball player, but it's far too unrealistic, hahaha!

For now, & the many more years to come, I'll just have to work hard, so that when I have my own children, I can afford to let them be exposed to all sorts of extra curriculum activities, in the hope of them discovering a passion they'd die for. Letting my children live a dream that I do not have, maybe that's one sensible goal that I can work towards at the moment (:

On the 7th day to Christmas

It's kind of cold tonight. I went for a mini shopping trip by myself earlier on. I mean the kind where you roam around the mall, going into random shops just because a single item in it caught your attention. & of course not missing stores like Uniqlo, H&M, picking stuffs off racks just to try for fun. & don't you love shopping on weekdays? Queues to fitting rooms are almost non-existence. Thinking back, it'd been months (or was it years) since I last did this. I don't know, can't remember. Well, I'd been told to learn to enjoy my own company, guess I'm still trying to figure out how it's done. But one thing I do look forward to doing at night is sipping my chamomile tea while listening to folk/rock music... Alone.

I regret choosing the similar venue for our Christmas Eve celebration as the previous year. The memories, still so fresh... Sigh. Oh ya, this is a bad point of spending nights alone. It makes you cogitate, starting from something in the near future, to the ones further away, sometimes to the past but eventually links to everything. Take tonight for example. I thought about Christmas Eve, and it brought me to the previous Christmas Eves, and then it linked me to future festivals like Valentines' Day, Chinese New Years & birthdays. I guess this is what people meant by "same same but different" ( :

True or false: unhappy or stressed people seek comfort by eating. Because I seems to be feeling all ravenous lately. 

A night person I've become

Sometimes I feel like posting stuffs about my life, like what I did on a particular day, etc. But a part of me doesn't want to because it's pretty pointless right? Oh dear, why am I acting all sensitive? Haha...

My sleeping time is so screwed up these days... Sleeping at 2 am feels so normal. & when I said "sleeping", I did not include the time spent turning & tossing on the bed. So it'd normally take another 30 to 45 minutes before I actually doze off. And my wake up time? Gosh, I don't even feel like waking up until late morning. I really should do something about it... Soon. 

Anyway, had a tough time looking for a place to dine at earlier on. Potential places are either closed or too crowded. I rarely queue for stuffs. Or should I say that I only queue for special individuals, rarely for myself :D

Ended up here. It's somewhere
along Arab Street.

Nicely decorated, normally
described as "indie", which I'm not
too sure how does "indie" fits in as a
word that describes how a place
is decorated. I'll use it anyway.

If you noticed, I really like to play with
Depth of Field or Selective Focus
when taking photos :D

Food tasted alright (had pizza and rösti.), but value for money? I'm not too sure. Oh well, I fully understand that cafes aren't exactly the best places for dinners. Coffee was decent I must say...

I was a morning person, until I realised how peaceful nights actually are. How the darkness made me feel so calm. & the harmonious, hazy folk music playing at the background seemed to fuse in so immaculately with the silence of the night. But what really "converted" me was knowing that you too, would be awake at this unholy hour. That by staying awake at night, you and I, we'd be sharing the night.

A lingering trace

I've finally clicked on my Google Chrome after 5 months and all I see are traces of her. I'm not too sure what she did in the past, I think she synced her Chrome with mine, anyway, the theme, layout, which includes the bookmarks and shortcuts on our Chrome are the same. Or should I say were, because I've changed the theme, removed all her bookmarks and imported mine, since I've decided to switch over from Firefox due to the Android phone which I'm currently using. Tough decision, but I guess it's a matter of time (:

This song is simply beautiful. I know it might say something like "This video contains content from VEVO. It is restricted from playback on certain sites". Just click on the "Watch on YouTube". I promise you that you won't regret it. You know I seldom make promises, but this one, it's the real deal. No noisy EDM whatsoever, just pure goodness to the ear & soul ^.^

So, Zouk Out 2013 is finally happening tomorrow & Saturday! Y'all ready for it?! Well, I sure am! Oh wait, I'm not even going. Ahahahaha! Peace :D

Happy Birthday Sophie!

Mini birthday celebration. Happy birthday Sophie!

Birthdays are always the best opportunity to show appreciation to friendships :D 

There say friendship is not about who you've known for the longest or understands you the best, it's about who will be there for you when you need someone. But I happen to have friends who stayed tight for the past 11 years, understand me more than 99% of people I know and will be there for me when I need someone. How blessed (:

Lastly, I'd like to thanks Mr. Goh, the boss of the night, for his generosity :D